So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
