I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Randomize
