i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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