I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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