Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Randomize
