Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Randomize
