nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
