the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
