i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Randomize
