dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
