Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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