Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
