Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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