God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Randomize
