she was so not down for the gang bang
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
