go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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