Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
