FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
