well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
