Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
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