She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Randomize
