I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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