I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Can I color on your dick again?
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
