Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
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