Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
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