I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
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