So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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