Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
