WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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