My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
