You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Randomize
