i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
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