I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Randomize
