i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
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