No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
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