dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
