We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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