The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
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