I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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