Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
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