I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
