He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
