i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Randomize
