Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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