If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
