Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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