Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
