I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Randomize
