Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
