The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
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