he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Randomize
