I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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